Nothing can truly prepare a parent for the experience of having a premature baby and becoming a NICU parent, regardless of how many children they may have had before. Below I share a fictional example which combines themes that I hear from parents whose babies have found themselves on the Neonatal Unit.
Having previously given birth to two children, this mother understandably anticipated her third pregnancy to follow a similar pattern, with labour occurring at 38-39 weeks. However, her third pregnancy was fraught with complications from the very beginning. At 24 weeks, she lost her mucus plug, and over the course of a few weeks, her waters began to slowly leak and her baby daughter was born just before 36 weeks and unfortunately, their new baby was immediately taken to the NICU, marking the start of a challenging journey.
The couple vividly recalled the difficult early days following the birth. Mother became ill with an infection and remained on a ward surrounded by other new mothers and their crying babies, all while barely being able to see her own child. The emotional toll was overwhelming, and she spent much of her time in tears, questioning why this was happening to her and her family, and wondering if it was something that she had done.
Soon after birth, the medical team delivered devastating news: the baby had developed infections too which resulted in her having a lumbar puncture leaving their new baby daughter with bruises as a result. The mother struggled with intense feelings of guilt, believing that the infection had been passed on from her during birth. The sight of her tiny daughter in the neonatal unit was almost too much to bear, and she often found herself sobbing; terrified that her baby might not make it.
A few days after giving birth, mum was told she could go home. Although she wanted nothing more than to be at home in her own environment, with her own belongings and home comforts, the thought of leaving the hospital without her baby had never crossed her mind, and the reality of leaving without her baby was heart-wrenching. She felt torn between her desire to reunite with her older children and her overwhelming need to be with her new baby daughter. The drive home was filled with tears and a deep sense of incomprehension, fear and anxiety, as well as more guilt about her family not being together.
Each morning, she returned to the hospital, learning to navigate the challenges of being a NICU parent and the couple learnt how to tube feed, change a tiny bottom and handle the tiny bundle that was their daughter. That in itself seemed terrifying. With all the strange surroundings that the neonatal unit brings, with its bumps, bangs and beeps, finding your way as a new parent takes some getting used to, although it can reveal hidden strengths that you never knew you had!
Some families find themselves on NICU for a few days, whilst the stay of others can be months. No matter the length of stay, the impact can be just as huge. You find yourself part of a club that you never signed up for. That said, some families find it can be helpful to be around other parents and families who have been through similar situations and this can be a valuable source of support.
There are often associated losses with having a baby on the neonatal unit. The loss of the experience that you imagined, the loss of being sole carers for your new born, the loss of feeding the way you envisaged. This means that even once you leave, it can feel bittersweet and emotionally complex.
The women and families that I work with often report that at the beginning of their NICU journey they felt hopeless and feared that they could not cope with the road ahead. However, often by the end of our sessions they describe wishing they could reassure their past self that they do have the strength, resilience and resources to cope with the adversity and that they can find the way forward.
Reaching out for help and support following a challenging birth experience takes courage at a time when you probably already feel depleted. But you shouldn’t have to face this on your own, help is out there and available to you. Take the first step if you need help; make that call!
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